… if I had posted it would have been such a moody piece. The weather was so dark and gray and wet and cold. You get the picture. But today, this early morning, the sun is already cutting through the fog and leaves are being filled with light. I need to race into work but because there are some cold, cold nights coming up I’ve taken time to pick the last of the basil for a coworker. Plenty of green still growing on the porch though. I have already moved some things inside to overwinter. I just watered them. I have no idea why I’m protecting this chocolate mint but it sure does smell good when I brush against it. Okay, I’m running late. Have a good day, people. Onward!
Trimmings from plants potted in soil. They seem to like the water. I suppose there is hydroponic gardening. Some nice healthy roots forming. We’ll see whether water or soil.
My mother used to say I could get lost in a paper bag. I truly have no sense of direction. Compasses are beautiful objects but I can’t use one. If I pay attention I figure out other ways to navigate. But searching for lunch today I didn’t pay attention and so I did become lost and saw some wonderful sights.
I made it back of course, my colleagues, none the wiser. It is not something to be planned but I do look forward to a future lost lunchbreak.
… I so wanted to be by the water. There are so many options, near and far, but I couldn’t pull myself together mentally/logistically to make it happen. And so, after some necessary home tasks, I walked my neighborhood and walked and walked and walked and actually stumbled upon an Octoberfest event with streets closed off and locals just having a good time. I couldn’t make myself stop though it was good to pass through the joy being expressed by young and old.
Then today came. I woke up late, after having trouble sleeping last night. Just managed to pull myself together and make it to work and actually be present physically and mentally. When I left work I was struck by that thing that strikes me quite often since Steve’s passing. I don’t have a reason to rush home … and as for what I experience during the day … I don’t have him to bear witness to my exploits. But also as I left work today I felt lighter than yesterday. I don’t know why. In any case, I decided to be as aimless in my afternoon wandering as I once was known for years ago. I randomly picked a direction and began walking and looking about me.
I let curiosity guide me. I walked into art galleries I’ve never entered before. In one I looked about me and said softly, “You’d like this exhibit.” It involved chess pieces. 🙂 And then I stopped in a deli, ordered a sandwich and thought, why not eat this on the Charles River Esplanade. By the water.
Once there, as I walked, this is what I recorded: “A woman on a park bench reading a book. A man helping his daughter down from a tree and probably desperately hoping she doesn’t scrape a knee else he’ll have some explaining to do to mom. The homeless man draped in a plaid blanket studying a green leaf. Couples sitting side by side on benches some talking to each other and some both looking into their phones. Droplets on my skin from the fountain when the wind blows. Empty benches that I should sit upon and eat my sandwich because I haven’t eaten all day but it feels okay and relaxing to just keep walking for a bit. “
Eventually I did stop because, drumroll, I stumbled upon another Octoberfest-y thing. Unlike yesterday when I just walked through and onward, this time I stopped, ordered some wine, sat at a picnic table and perused the book I purchased in one of the art galleries. It was not a bad day.
… what a beautiful path. And that path was so soft and spongy with the fallen evergreen needles from above. The pond was busy today because it was such a lovely day before school resumes. So many children being taught how to fish. It made me smile because Steve had tried to share the pleasure of fishing with me here once, and later, as he was recovering after his stroke, one of his caregivers asked if it would be okay to take Steve fishing. They did indeed make the trek to this particular pond while I was at work and the caregiver sent me pictures. They didn’t catch anything. It was probably one of the last times Steve went fishing. As I walked along the paths adjacent to the water I thought about mobility and access which my journey with Steve these past years has made hyper-aware in my mind as I parade about in the world.
It has been a long time since I have wandered through a wooded area, suburban or wild, without thought to time. It was a pleasurable few hours of just wandering about, following the light and shadows. I actually engaged in conversation with a professional photographer after she asked was I seeing anything good as I leaned over a footbridge. As we chatted, she said, “You’re only a professional if you make money.” I don’t know about that.
I missed, as my Uber took the turn to take me home, that I could not tell Steve about my adventures, about the fall of light and shadows, the photographer chatting with me that same as when we together years before at another venue and a bird watcher wanted to tell us about 300 warblers. There was a welling of emotion and … with the tears there is always laughter or at least a smile. And for that I am grateful and heartened. We’ll see what future weekends hold for journeys with the camera into nature. It was a good day for all sorts of reasons.
The morning began with coffee on the porch and then a bit of sprucing out there. The tomato and pepper plants are done so I pulled them and then some deadheading of the marigolds and picking dead blossoms from the petunias so that they will continue to bloom. I need to figure out what a late summer/autumn porch will look like. Then back inside I went.
With a Mary Berry cooking series playing in the background I’ve been moving around the house continuing the clean up. I used Steve’s pocket knife to break down some boxes for recycling. We had amassed a huge number of pillows. I threw them on the bed planning to sort them and decide which ones to keep, etc. And in doing so I found a stack of lambs wool used to cushion Steve’s increasingly sensitive skin. Holding the wool made me a bit teary. Everything I touch evokes a memory. And what I hear. Mary Berry is in Marrakesh at the moment I think cooking flat bread. It could be hard to capture Steve’s attention but he really enjoyed watching the cooking shows. I think in part because he just loved to learn. An earlier Steve would have taken that flat bread recipe and added his own special twist.
The lambswool could not prevent him from eventually getting bed sores one of which became deep and then infected. Between bouts with cancer and strokes over the years it became increasingly difficult for him to fight infections of any sort. I think when people would look at his paperwork they’d be surprised by how much of a fighter he truly was until the very end. When I sit on the porch in the mornings next to an empty chair, I do miss him … and I am increasingly glad he is no longer suffering. I am thankful that he chose to stay with me for as long as he could and that he was home.
On the porch there is a dipladenia plant growing like mad. In the before times I would have asked Steve to make a trellis and tie it up so that the plant would grow upwards instead of outwards. He liked purposeful activities like that. But now is now and I’m going to make the trellis. I have some branches I collected that I need to trim using Steve’s saw and some twine and … I’ve got bandages galore in case something slips. But before I do any of that I am going to take a moment to purposefully and mindfully make myself a simple breakfast and then make my way to a favorite gardening store before it gets too hot and keep Steve in my heart and thoughts so that I don’t go crazy with the credit card. 🙂
… it is probably best to do some good weeding before hitting multiple nurseries in one day. Didn’t pick up much but what I did I love. Let’s see if I can keep the strawflowers alive.