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Posts Tagged ‘storytelling’

I’m doing my best this morning to channel Steve as I pinch the basil. My first thought when I looked out on the porch this morning was, “What the hell am I going to do with all this basil?” I’m certainly not in the mood or mode to make pesto though he taught me well. Clearly the pots needed pinching, stems growing long and tall toward the sun. Some were beginning to feel firm to the touch, getting barky. No flowers yet so this was a good moment theoretically to dive right in.

The first time I watched Steve pinch basil … removing topmost shoots on the plant so that the plant redirects energy to growing bushier and increasing yield … I was horrified. I told him he was scalping the plant to within an inch of its life. He shook his head and said, matter of factly, “This works. You’ll see.” I did.

So this morning with cup of coffee by my side, I sat on the porch and pinched basil. I’ve decided to split the harvest in two. Soon I’ll make my way into work. I hope my two colleagues will be pleasantly surprised by their culinary gifts. Have a good day!

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Two days ago Steve and I sat on the porch, me with a glass of wine and he with a mango cocktail sans alcohol. I have written a lot about Steve over the years even before I knew what he meant to me. What do I write now that I haven’t written before? We sat on the porch that day because he had remarked that he hadn’t been out there in awhile. We sat with me prattling on and then I realized he hadn’t applied sunblock and I needed to get him back inside.

I have been regaling people today about how Steve pursued me even though I didn’t know I was being pursued. Or how he wrapped his long arms around anyone, and I mean anyone, that he thought he could help with no strings attached. He was brilliant and curious and loved to learn even when the various illnesses and chronic pain stripped away some of that motivation and curiosity. Some of what I miss most that was stripped away was his smile and then his voice. His intellect was slowed but not diminished. His love for those close, and those far, never diminished.

I will figure out what more to write in the future, and I hope it will be meaningful. Today I write that this morning Stephen Frederick Horne passed away peacefully in his home with family by his side.

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… even as you’re leaving work and making your way back to the hospital to visit your spouse, you take a moment to pop into Trader Joe’s for some wonderfully inexpensive flowers. Not for him. For me! The potted organic basil that was for him. His neighbor this time around in a shared room was a very sweet Greek man who thought I was too skinny and so as I left Steve one day he made me take a piece of his wife’s cheesy cornbread. It was darn tasty as I stood there in the hallway waiting for the elevator to the main lobby.

He is home again, by the way. We have been too often to the hospital this year and we seem to be, ahem, a recognizable pair. Staff at different levels who’ve interacted with us over time, and so they know his journey, say that I am taking good care of him. I don’t know what they’re seeing but I’m happy they see whatever they are seeing. He now rests at home laying in bed listening, as I type, to compositions by Johannes Ockeghem as sung by the group Blue Heron. We used to attend the group’s concerts and we may do so again. I just asked if he might like to attend again one day and he said yes. We’ll see what the future holds. 🙂

You can learn more about Blue Heron here: https://www.blueheron.org/

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When I told Steve that the plant next to him was lavender eventually his right hand swept out in a languid fashion so that his fingers could sweep through the leaves. He then brought his fingers to his face to smell. It took just a little more time than before for thought to become action. I was able to wait in that space to see things evolve … I don’t always have that patience … but that particular day I did and so as I look out on the porch now and see the lavender swaying in the evening breeze it brings a smile to me. I did remind him that lavender is edible but that went in one ear and out the other.

Earlier today, as Steve sliced some mushrooms, I asked, “Has anyone ever called you stubborn?” He replied, “Yes.” I had invited him to cut some mushrooms for a creamy mushroom soup. I wanted to make life easier for him and said he only needed to cut the mushroom caps in half since I intended to use an immersion blender at the last stage but … for all the years I’ve known him as he’s cooked with mushrooms he slices them very thin. It has become rote. And so that it was he did today. It took time and effort and I was reminded of a statement from a young exercise buddy who said what he most admired about Steve was that he made the effort. He wouldn’t necessarily be successful but he made the effort and not everyone did that.

Since he’s returned home from most recent hospitalization … and it was a doozy … we’ve managed to binge watch all sorts of programming that other people may have already seen like, uhm, Poldark. I hope we make it to The Gilded Age. We watched the trailer for Dune 3 today and he said he wanted to see that which means we’ll have to rewatch Dune 1 and 2 and I don’t have a problem with that. I shared some things from my workplace about big upcoming events in 2027 and when asked would he like to see some of these events he said yes. Gives us plenty of time for planning. As much as any of us have control over time.

There are many sights I appreciate with Steve making it home once more to heal. Most involve him out of the bed sitting with family for lunch, playing chess with a friend, exercising even when it hurts, and bearing with me when I force, I mean invite, him to sit on the porch with me. I’ve learned to include incentives like mango lassi, chocolate ice cream and so forth. Still on soft foods for the present so I did have to rescue a chocolate bar from his grasp when he thought I wasn’t looking.

I am learning a lot on this journey with Steve. Though somehow I was recently called a legendary patient advocate … all I did was give voice to the fact to what is known that some folks heal better in home environment … I do remind myself that I am not perfect, I am not always patient and it is alright to ask for help. And its okay to treat myself which is why I splurged on a box of butter cookies yesterday. If we make it onto the porch later today I’ll nibble on them while Steve has some strawberry ice cream. Gotta put some healthy fat back on his bones.

As physical therapy ended yesterday, I stood next to Steve in his wheelchair to talk with the therapist. At some point the therapist began to smile. I looked down and saw that Steve was raising his arm to place about my waist. I started to help him and the therapist gently shook his head. Oh, right, I said. Good exercise! And I waited patiently for Steve to tighten his grip. And so it goes …

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What I continually learn on this journey with Steve as a cancer and stroke survivor is the power of meaningful and functional engagement with the world. Do a physical exercise just to do the exercise, no matter how good it is for you? Nope. Need to help do tasks to feed family and friends as you’ve done all your life? Oh heck yeah! Someone was fiercely determined to grate the roma tomatoes for a big batch of no-cook pasta sauce. He gave it a good effort but those tomatoes were tough so out came the knife. Big chunks to toss in the blender along with garlic and celery. Success with the slicing … except, as I turned around, I noticed someone eating the tomatoes and so his sous chef position was temporarily revoked.

Later we did the taste test. I wanted to add salt (I always do) but Steve said, “It’s good as it is.” And so that’s how we served it up for dinner with some items on the side, sliced leftover chicken, sauteed mushrooms and mozzarella cheese.

Go team! 🙂

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Steve has been through another health event and as we sat at the table at home tonight awaiting a friend to provide an assist to go to bed I remarked, “Oh my goodness gracious, next week I have to talk to students about art in religion with a focus on stained glass. What the Hades am I going to talk about?” He said nothing. Then I had a genuine revelation and I said, “Gosh darnit. I’m going to do what you do.” Then his eyebrows perked up as in, “What the Hades are you talking about?” And I said, “Remember years ago when I was fascinated with what happens when light shines through water and creates patterns and you taught me what was happening, caustics, and then there was a photo exhibit in a youth community center and I made you participate with one of your such photos and these two young children walked by and instead of you telling them what they were seeing you let them look and then asked them, What do you see?, and one boy said, I see the back of an alligator! And you said, Well, that’s very astute of you. And the boy said, What does astute mean? And the two of you wandered off to the cheese tray table as you explained how observant he was.” Steve smiled and said, “Yes.” And I said, “My dear, I believe it is in your spirit to be mentor. Do you agree?” He did agree. And as we sat there he helped me pull together my oh, so brief presentation. I read it back to him. Genuinely, I said, “Okay, this feels good. That’s not bad, is it?” And he said, “No, dear one. You’re good.” And please believe me if I was off track that person would tell me so. 🙂 Time does fly.

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They almost made me cry, these two young men. We were their last stop for the day to pick up junk. I knew from an earlier phone call that they had already had a very full day. But as one of them went through the company schpeil, he added, “And if there’s anything else you need our help with just let us know.”

I looked up at him, “Are you sure?”

“Uhm, yes, that’s why we’re here. To help.”

I nodded. “Okay, next to my husband’s side of the bed, there’s a pole he uses to help with transfers that relies on tension between the floor and ceiling. It became loose and fell. When you’re done can you two put it back up?”

Without skipping a bit, they nodded.

And that’s what they did.

As I led them up the stairs, I said, “You know, the older I get the more I am willing to accept help when the offer is made. And sometimes I don’t even wait for the offer before requesting it.”

They laughed.

After acknowledging their presence, Steve napped in the bed as they worked. One of them nodded sagely. “I used to work in elder care, ” he said. “This is just fine.”

The two of them went to work using language that is not part of my repertoire about tension and how to insert screwdrivers at the base and turn to tighten . . . and after noticing the apparent look on my face one of the fellows looked around and saw Steve’s in-door woodworking area.

He said, “Uhm, if it’s okay for me to go in there and find a screwdriver I can do it for you.” I went in and picked up a screwdriver. “Will this work?”

He nodded.

Yes, I gave them a tip and good review but mostly what they left me with was a lighter spirit. A genuine offer made and genuine follow through.

And as they left, I heard those usual soft words and so I shouted to the men as they made their way down the stairs, “Steve says thank you!”

And they replied, “You’re welcome, Steve!”

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Hard to believe it was nine years ago that Mr. Langosy allowed me to share the story of his art. What a remarkable man and such a pleasure to have known him and his family. Donald Langosy passed away this week and what a legacy he leaves behind. An active artist until the end, his last exhibit, The Journey of Eduardo Gunkla, is currently on display at the Multicultural Arts Center in Cambridge, MA, until January 9th. A virtual gallery is also accessible online. https://multiculturalartscenter.org/eduardo-gunkla/

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A new restaurant has opened not far from where I work. I paused in my journey this morning to peer at the menu from afar. Words rang out. “Hey, Nigger. This is where people walk.” Startled I turned toward the voice to see a young white man striding past. Now I’d seen him earlier in the morning. He was clearly strung out on something so there was no need to say anything in return. But as I returned to work I was startled that the words of a junkie, someone clearly in need of some help of some sort, could touch me so. Probably doesn’t help that I am currently immersed in historical research about the profiling and imprisonment of free Black seaman in the antebellum south.

Nor does it help that as Steve and I continue to make our way in this world that people continually, immediately, assume that I am either the paid home health aid or the overnight caregiver. And so then the onus is on me to calmly explain that I am his wife. The onus. I know of a lovely older Black woman in an interracial relationship and she shared that in the retirement community where they reside she always carries her resident card to prove she belongs there and is not “just” a visiting care giver.

We live in a time of unprecedented whitewashing where people in power are trying to normalize outright racism and bigotry and even more so foment deep and abiding ignorance about this nation’s past let alone its present. People are not questioning their assumptions. Race does matter regardless of what a super rich and powerful white minority are trying to assert.

Just some Sunday musings … best get back to my research so that that forgotten story can be shared soon.

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When my father was reassigned to Vienna we had to say good-bye to all of our friends. We had a party with my school friends. I “planned” it but my Ayah did all the work. The Ayah took care of me and my sister and made sure we weren’t stolen. She tucked me in bed at night, and chased the animals out. She got me up each morning. She was dark of skin with long dark hair. She would get me out of trouble and keep me safe. If I broke something, like a nice glass or cup, she often took the blame for me. 

Hadi was the butler and oversaw the house and whole compound. He reported to my father. He was kind and gentle. One day I decided to cook a steak. I had to cook something. I was in the kitchen. I don’t remember why. He watched as I cooked the steak guiding me. When I thought it was done he said no but I didn’t listen. I insisted on eating it and it made me sick.

Let’s end with the Maharajah. My first impression of him was that he was fat. I mean he was a very big man to a small boy. My dad took me to work at the library that was located in Coorg. And that’s where I think I first saw him. He and my dad and I took a walk around his place. I wouldn’t call it a palace. Big compound is closer. The animals were loose in the compound. There was an elephant, gray, probably a male but I don’t know for sure. Probably a giraffe. He hunted. He shot a mother tiger and captured the cubs. There was a batch of those that I saw and played with. Four of them. They were very small. They would fit in my hands if I held them now. I think I told you they were white but they weren’t white solidly through. I don’t remember what year that was but I saw him more than once. I know he met with Queen Elizabeth in 1961 as she toured India. I remember seeing her driving in a convertible. I was looking down from the roof of the library. 

I can’t think of these times as unusual. It was simply my childhood. We moved on to Vienna for a few years. I joined the Boy Scouts, an international troop, and received an award for knot tying. I had weak ankles and a doctor their prescribed ice skating. My mother taught me some fancy ballroom dances and my father tried to teach me guitar. There I was introduced to sachertorte. It is still one of my favorite desserts. Like I said, simply my childhood.


Photo Sources:

Horne Family Album

https://archive.org/details/propix.275036712

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